fighting

almost a week has passed since she has learned that she was loved by the man of her past

or may we call him the hesitant, the latin lover, her angel...what is a name, if...-

so a week has almost passed with its usual emotional ups-n-downs, pain, tears, laughter, feeling of wholeness ans secueness, insecurity...she grew more naked and vulnerable each day

and her skin so soft and thin and pale

she almost became seethrough

yet she could not see

what was it she had in her heart.

her heart was like a fortress. from there did she fight.

for -as she realized nor the nth time - she needed

either TO FIGHT

or BE FOUGHT FOR

if at least one of these two were not inclueded she grew somehow weary and distanced

and the relationship silently emptied itself into her pocket

and with what was left of it

she would walk away in seach for a new quest.

yet this time it wasnt about the new.

at least not only.

it was also about the old.

and the newness of the old

or the oldness of the new

it was about imagination and reality

it was about making a decision she was not prepared

nor willing

to make.

she would take her chances with one

this day

and with the other

that day

she would run back

(in time)

or forwards

but in fact all she did was

running around in circles.

closeness is the key when something needs to

start or restart

for growth is impossible if two people are locked within the caves of their hearts

but closeness is not about being physical

it is about time

(the time you 'waste on your rose'...said the fox...)

and whereas Some people seemed not to have enough time

Others were always there no matter what

and still. as she was out for the quest.

and weary

seethrough

and vulnerable

she did not know

if Some day or the Other

may she not realize that her heart cheated on her

by being silent

when she would have needed to hear it most.

(or were her thoughts

too rumorous

her ears too deaf

her eyes too blind??)

once

once your mind is made up all seems to work according to clear patterns and runs on and on and on smootly like a river taking long curves as it speeds down towards something bigger

she buried herself in the cellars trying to clean the mess
but since it was within and not without she felt almost lost
she tried to delete some files in that stubborn heart, tried to upload new images of
an other future, tried to run a 'calmness and hope' program, but the second one got loose and
somehow brought back the deleted files and put on a movie show inside her head which she could not switch off...unless she took a broom and a duster, set out to kill feelings by exhausting the body that contained them

after 10hours of work she fell trembling on the sofa at her veranda and put on 'once' hoping whatever was in the film she had to see will make her calm down...and it did...
as the minutes passed by and wine and music filled her tired bones she became aware of a warm, indifferent feeling of calmness and love.

she knew she loved and was loved. whom did she love and how and who was to love her back and make her stay by his side did not matter any more. after 3days the 'hope' program finally worked as expected and she got her pillow and fell asleep in her dark room.

she awoke with strange feelings and vivid fragments of dreams feeling like a fairy tale hero tossed around in the wilderness, yet dawn was still a long long way away...sometimes it is not the decision that is hard to make...at times, it is sticking to that decision when all the odds are against us...

(other than the song added to the title, there is 'falling slowly' and others that i cannot stop listening or crying over, or feeling happy, or singing along...-and i strangely have the feeling of having listened to these songs with G...one day back in time, but i guess it is just the stupid misfunctioning 'hope' program that reboots every morning and that takes time to switch off.)

cities(Paris-Istanbul-Oslo)

Cities can be seen, eaten, smelled, lived in, touched..but most of all they can all touch something within me...

Paris is a superjoyous city where you feel so romantic men start to notice you and you start to notice that the woman in you still hopes to be with that last one, the one you find difficult to forget or let go.
Paris is culture-and that is FANtastic (FUNtastic) to a 'culture-snob' fanatic..and when you start scrying in front of THE Renoir pic. (of two girls bending over a piano)in the Orangerie you realize no matter how ols you may grow you will never ceize to be the 14yr old wanting practically 'live and die' in the museum.
Paris is great when it comes to the freedom of getting around as it is a fantasticly bikeable city!:)
/not mentioning how much fun it is to scream loud 'non volgio morire ancora...ti amo ti amo ti amo' when entering a roundabout at night followed by a truck as huge as the WTC/

But the best in paris is mainly a crazy NewYorker called Sarah who makes you LIVE the city:
takes you to the coolest wine-bar, the most crowded 'szimpla'type place at the riverside, ends up at a rockconcert at an ex-trainstation with you and makes you cry so much that you have to cry!

Istanbul. The city where continent and cultures meet...and people too...(and fates maybe..but lets not run so much ahead!). Istanbul is LIFE. Istanbul is LOVE. Istanbul is everything and full of it. It is FULL. yes, it is crowded..but not much dirtier than Rome, and yes, the traffic is crazy and you awake and fall asleep surrounded by smells and noises, but any passer-by is likely to treat you like the 'best thing that has happened to him/her' in a while and no matter what time you set out to see this-and-that you are likely to end up drinking tea or eating kebab with total strangers who may become your best friends for 2days..in Istanbul even the most antisocial British tourist becomes an open-hearted creature who smiles back at you when you greeat her with a smile.
But the best, again..is that thanks to H. i LIVED the city, the Bosporus, the traffic, the food, the Bridges and the Princes Islands.:)

Oslo. Clean and Clear.(Mh..just like the facial thingie...Oslo's habitants are wearing the perfect 'im polite and well-off'mask...and no matter how happy they may be for the sun is shining they would never give you more than a polite smile at hardly visible at the corner of their mouth). Walking this big and horribly pricy town I realize that the only thing it really reminds me is any bigger Swiss city..but that we (people from 'eastern'Europe) need cities full of contrasts, noise, dirt, underground and mainstream, shocking and smartly dressed, laughing and conventional. Oslo is nice, but too organized and in spite of the numerous art-exhibitions I seek to go elsewhere, or simply back to nature..or back to enjoying the company of my non-standard Norvegian girlfriend, Marit, who shines like the sun when she smiles.

And back to Budapest...is always a shock and a relief, love and hatred, belonging and not...

love making soul breaking (more than friends?)

if you make love to a lot of men you make love to a lot of men even if you only make love to one.
or maybe you dont.
maybe you dont make love to one chosen person, maybe you make love to love.
or maybe you dont.
maybe you find the perfect sexual match and make love with him only once
or maybe you dont.
maybe you find the perfect soul match but grow insecure about making love
or maybe you dont.

there are always two ways to think.
so why not choose the positive thought and let's say conclude that all the doubts, worries, strange or perverted thought, all the feeling out of place are evoked by strange fears and complexes, unsolved dilemmas with which there and then you dont necessarily have to deal.

whatever decisions you make, whatever you set your heart on...by doing so you lock out the rest.but why think about that which we dont have, cant have, or dont even want to have
instead of feeling happy about what we do.

theory implied to girl crying in the car sitting in the traffic jam watched by dozens of passer-bys.
=> implication of theory is not always easy.
but lets just pretend im tired and moody.
and be silent about fears, anger and trust issues.