ehm.
i know....im an emotional roller-coaster and crazy-little-complicated and a drama queen...but depressed : no. actually i think missing E. is normal, so is being stirred by K. and whinging thet G. is not here to cuddle me.
anyways. yesterday i have come the mother of 8kids (all of them around 2 and a half) for 15minutes...and if all goes fine most of them will be my babies from next week..with many more to come. Luckily they all loved my red puppet(Freddy, the fox..ehm..named accidentally) and none of them cried. There was a little girl who tried to steal Freddy, but then she gave it back...and most of them were laughing like crazy when i started emitting funny sounds to attract attention. Wow, this job will be a perfect refill after all the emotional problems i will have to try and handle in the mornings. (those of others...my own things always spin out of control...but then when i want to regain control i chat with G. who totally ignores their size and depth=> therefore i get over them myself and then im back to normal....if i actually have a 'normal' self at all)
Today flatparty at G.'s little brother... high time. i have just started missing the erasmus feeling:) /plus my italian has come to a halt and i really cannot see how to push it any further./
Today is the birthday of K. ...mine is coming up in 7 days...the big 25.
well. im not married. not pregnant. i still live home.
but at least i have travelled around europe a lot and got to know a lot of pple and things.
i have learnt to enjoy things more and became braver that i thought i'd be. (like i'd go flying in a small plane and do sports that used to freak me out..even though most probably i will end up being this highly emotional cultual whirlwind and will continue to be restless...but that's fun.)
all in all. changes in me have brought with them changes in my priorities.
kids can wait.
im happy to be responsible for me.
then for me+1. and before any sort of multiplication i need to understand if the +1 likes funparks...if yes. we can both sit on the rollercoaster and while i give the soundeffects he'll try to hold me and slow down from time to time:)
Wednesday, 26 September 2007
Saturday, 22 September 2007
instropection
Music: http://www.fabchannel.com/ => as writing lines legible below im listening to a concert of the FRAMES (right now to "rise")..music chosen by pure accident...yet it is nice.
smooth. clam day. my eyes feel tired and my soul wants to rest. i have my future ahead of me like an open road.enless , wide, monotonous. a road i have to take alone. something has come to a halt. i do not strive any more to connect. i cannot seem to make it.
instead i turn inwards and stare into my endless void.
i remember Eszter and i wonder what did she mean to me a year ago. i remember many little details. the way she turnes around to take the first step towards me. her hesitation whther to tell me that she is getting divorced and lives with a man twice her age. i remember her tiny finger(her hands exactly the size of mine)slightly trembling as she was puffed little clouds of smoke in the cool october air. i remember her miniskerts and high-heel boots, her girlish elegance hiding her unsecurity. i wonder if i could have done womething in a different way. i wonder about accidents. i wonder what would i be like if she had not died.
sometimes it feels as if she did not exist at all. as if she was only a beautiful(round)character of my daydreams. i wonder if she was me or herself. i feel lost that noone who know me knew her. as if she was only a secret friend. sometimes i even if she had not come to touch my soul.
i wonder why is it that her name is the same as my sister's. i wonder what did the few who knew us mean by saying: you are so much alike.it is almost you were the same person.
today is Jom Kippur and i try to forgive all the pain i have had to suffer due to careless human behavior. today is sunny and im listening to this song: 'falling slowly'. and i wonder why is it that i have many friends all of whom love and accept me but all of whom think my emotions are too big and too complicated. i wonder if i can hide black for long. i wonder if i can find one to whom i can tell ugly things. i though maybe i would buy a big canvas and paint death so that i could look her in the face...i wonder if it would help.
yes. i am too introspective maybe. but at times like this(home, alone, surrounded by waves of music, patches of sunshine tickling my feet) i cannot but look inside...in order to be able to turn towards others(and connect) when out there...
Friday, 21 September 2007
Sueing Gawd
Quote:
Chambers lawsuit, which was filed on Friday in Douglas County Court, seeks a permanent injunction ordering God to cease certain harmful activities and the making of terroristic threats.
The lawsuit admits God goes by all sorts of alias, names, titles and designations and it also recognizes the fact that the defendant is omnipresent.
The lawsuit accuses God "of making and continuing to make terroristic threats of grave harm to innumerable persons, including constituents of Plaintiff who Plaintiff has the duty to represent." It says God has caused "fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts, genocidal wars, birth defects and the like."
The suit also says God has caused "calamitous catastrophes resulting in the wide-spread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants including innocent babes, infants, children, the aged and infirm without mercy or distinction."
http://www.ketv.com/news/14133442/detail.html
Now what? Listening to news early morning -caffé pouring into my body and activating it- i remember under the shower?: but acording to Nietzche God is dead...so what?
can you sue a dead man? or i mean.. a dead god? do you have to blame him for irresponsible human behaviour? Oh my....how absurd is this! i mean DO WE REALLY HAVE TO carry certain things so far to make CERTAIN pple understand that what they are doing is SENSELESS???
...
the whole of the weak i have been learining how to teach English to 2-8 year olds while stitches itched on my back as traces of last week's operation were slowly-but-surely healing.
wednesday i have found myself talking about existentialism and other branches of phylosophy with a 50yr old man at the waiting hall fo the hospital (before having my back cleaned after a week and learining that obviously the malls taken off didnt have cancer). again how absurd. where do one has to go and what circumstances(3hrs of waiting ..staning..on a corridor) have to force us to link and form somewhat meaningful conversations?
...
I also wonder why do people need me as a professional to tell them that they should protect their kids, create a somewhat stable and safe environment and love? are we really not able to do that wihtout additional outside-feedback any more?
...
i also wonder what the word boyfriend mean to me?
and i wonder if Eszter would sit on the metro with me sometimes if she still lived.
i wonder what other people think of ..those who do not have to think about death or philosophy every day...i wonder if i could do anything to think less, or at least to feel less...
some say i'm too introspective.
other's say my brain works in strange ways.
again others put it as being 'too emotional'(=as 'not rational at all', which, by the way, it a concept altogether mistaken as the two things are not each others opposites)
...
in any case i learn that i still live two lives: i am a teacher and a psycho girl. i am a baby and a lady, a kid, a bitch..i am all opposties. i am like this thing that gives electric shocks to herslef..I NEED GROUNDING!
Chambers lawsuit, which was filed on Friday in Douglas County Court, seeks a permanent injunction ordering God to cease certain harmful activities and the making of terroristic threats.
The lawsuit admits God goes by all sorts of alias, names, titles and designations and it also recognizes the fact that the defendant is omnipresent.
The lawsuit accuses God "of making and continuing to make terroristic threats of grave harm to innumerable persons, including constituents of Plaintiff who Plaintiff has the duty to represent." It says God has caused "fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts, genocidal wars, birth defects and the like."
The suit also says God has caused "calamitous catastrophes resulting in the wide-spread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants including innocent babes, infants, children, the aged and infirm without mercy or distinction."
http://www.ketv.com/news/14133442/detail.html
...
Now what? Listening to news early morning -caffé pouring into my body and activating it- i remember under the shower?: but acording to Nietzche God is dead...so what?
can you sue a dead man? or i mean.. a dead god? do you have to blame him for irresponsible human behaviour? Oh my....how absurd is this! i mean DO WE REALLY HAVE TO carry certain things so far to make CERTAIN pple understand that what they are doing is SENSELESS???
...
the whole of the weak i have been learining how to teach English to 2-8 year olds while stitches itched on my back as traces of last week's operation were slowly-but-surely healing.
wednesday i have found myself talking about existentialism and other branches of phylosophy with a 50yr old man at the waiting hall fo the hospital (before having my back cleaned after a week and learining that obviously the malls taken off didnt have cancer). again how absurd. where do one has to go and what circumstances(3hrs of waiting ..staning..on a corridor) have to force us to link and form somewhat meaningful conversations?
...
I also wonder why do people need me as a professional to tell them that they should protect their kids, create a somewhat stable and safe environment and love? are we really not able to do that wihtout additional outside-feedback any more?
...
i also wonder what the word boyfriend mean to me?
and i wonder if Eszter would sit on the metro with me sometimes if she still lived.
i wonder what other people think of ..those who do not have to think about death or philosophy every day...i wonder if i could do anything to think less, or at least to feel less...
some say i'm too introspective.
other's say my brain works in strange ways.
again others put it as being 'too emotional'(=as 'not rational at all', which, by the way, it a concept altogether mistaken as the two things are not each others opposites)
...
in any case i learn that i still live two lives: i am a teacher and a psycho girl. i am a baby and a lady, a kid, a bitch..i am all opposties. i am like this thing that gives electric shocks to herslef..I NEED GROUNDING!
Sunday, 9 September 2007
Blogging-is-hard-when-sick-in-bed
Obviously Blogging never works as i would wish it to work.
Notes end up being published in a messy mass...
and i end up deleting and re-creating;
yet i hope creating a space
(even if virtual)
where my mind may be
streached out and relaxed
will help me
get well
soon
and out of bed
and in the sun again.:)
Notes end up being published in a messy mass...
and i end up deleting and re-creating;
yet i hope creating a space
(even if virtual)
where my mind may be
streached out and relaxed
will help me
get well
soon
and out of bed
and in the sun again.:)
Poems-time-and-parallels
I've become impossible again:
sleepless, irritable, perverse.
One day
I work
as if beating a wild beast, as if cursing all that's holy,
and the next day
lie on my back from morning to night,
a lazy song on my lips like an unlit cigarette.
And it drives me crazy,
the hatred
and pity I feel for myself. . .
I've become impossible again:
sleepless, irritable, perverse.
Again, as always,
I'm wrong.
I have no cause and couldn't possibly.
What I'm doing is shameful,
a disgrace.
But I can't help it:
I'm jealous of you,
forgive me. . .
/Nazim Hikmet:8 October 1945/
Strangely it has been towards the beginning of May
that i have felt these lines described me best.
Sleepless, irritable...-and wrong.
Why strangely? well..strangely for there is a slight parallel in
that and this situation.
Then: it was about closing the door behind me and realizing i had a heart that wanted to be alive.
Now: it is about stearting a new sort of life and realizing i have a heart that wanted to be alive.
Then: it was about putting a fullstop at suffering over past.
Now: it is about putting brackets around questionmarks.
But since im not sure what weight can questionmarks hold i cannot tell how long will they hide me away from certain incertainties.
........
and as many times before i find myself mumbling words without an end and putting them down on a piece of paper i realize i am running away from an endless feeling, im running away like this:
Bontott vitorlákkal,csendesen
gondolattalan s mégse hűvösen
fordulok el
Tőled,
vagy csupán Attól,amit Kép-viseltél:
a Vég-telent.
Since most of it is my mind's trick to twist feelings into shapes of poems i am not sure whether a correct translation will ever form in my mind..but i shall try to explain it as:
With sails undone, quietly
thought-less but not coolly
do i turn away
from You,
or merely from That, what you Re-presented:
the unEnding.
All-right. Words seem to have found there places ...yet i would daresay,
Kép-viseltél doesnt really equal Re-presented (because képvisel=represent, but kép=image, visel=bear, wear => képvisel= the image that you bore/wore)
whereas Vég-telent is almost prefectly be mirrored by unEnding (as sinonym for Infinite) for végetelen=infinite, but vég=the end, il fine and -telen= negative affixe meaning 'without'
Paradise, or the city of sluts
Last night - Szóda, then Szimpla: catching up with some friends -we end up talking about female behaviour. For the nth time I have to realize - and sadly admit - that my city may seem Paradise to any men, it is not other then a microcosm of sluts to me.
Why are we - and this 'we' often contains me, for different behaviour is often ignored, looked over, or at least noted as 'ah well, yeah, she is a little harder to get, but that'll pass'- ... why are WE(=Hungarian women) so easy to get?
Let me summerize all theories I've heard as explanation/excuse ect. over the years:
We are simple bitchier then women of other nations. (Original version coming from Á. if i recall it correctly and goes as follows: Tutti uomini son stronzi e tutte donne son puttane. Uomini italiani son un po piú stronzi dell'altri, donne ungherese son un po piú puttene che l'ltre. => per questo si trovano molto bene insieme.)
We are not used to men being straight-forward-charming-romantic-casanovas => therefall we are doomed to fail in their arms.
Or: may it be simply that women in this city of 'paradise' do not give a shit about relationships based on emotions (rather than lust)?
As for me..i keep trying not to strive for an explanation. I try not to give a damn if someone puts me in the same box (oh, com'on im not so bad looking+im hungarian => i will surely not be faithful to any man for longer than the first few months of a relationship). Maybe they are right somewhere. Maybe i shouldnt be... but..after all...it is easier to swallow being mistaken for a slut then my own spit landing on my face.
Why are we - and this 'we' often contains me, for different behaviour is often ignored, looked over, or at least noted as 'ah well, yeah, she is a little harder to get, but that'll pass'- ... why are WE(=Hungarian women) so easy to get?
Let me summerize all theories I've heard as explanation/excuse ect. over the years:
We are simple bitchier then women of other nations. (Original version coming from Á. if i recall it correctly and goes as follows: Tutti uomini son stronzi e tutte donne son puttane. Uomini italiani son un po piú stronzi dell'altri, donne ungherese son un po piú puttene che l'ltre. => per questo si trovano molto bene insieme.)
We are not used to men being straight-forward-charming-romantic-casanovas => therefall we are doomed to fail in their arms.
Or: may it be simply that women in this city of 'paradise' do not give a shit about relationships based on emotions (rather than lust)?
As for me..i keep trying not to strive for an explanation. I try not to give a damn if someone puts me in the same box (oh, com'on im not so bad looking+im hungarian => i will surely not be faithful to any man for longer than the first few months of a relationship). Maybe they are right somewhere. Maybe i shouldnt be... but..after all...it is easier to swallow being mistaken for a slut then my own spit landing on my face.
The fact that you are in love...
...doesnt serve as a reason for being loved.
/Or as I have first read it: "Hogy szerelems vagy, az nem ok arra, hogy szeressenek"/
'But why do I love him/her then?'- is a simple question noone can avoid coming across if maintaining a friendship. Most people expect a simple (because s/he has given you all of this..or is a good person..ect) type of praises..in even worse cases they ecpect that me -as an outsider - out of sheer firnedhip will glorify someone:
a) i do not know well
b) i am clearly not in love with
c) probably see as a 'normal creature' with mistakes ect.
Now: Do we actually need a reason to love someone?
During my somewhat hectic studies (somewhere in-between family-therapy-feminism-and the application of the /in/famous Rorschach test) someone tried to convince me of the following:
If in a realtionship when one is asked 'Honey, why do you love me?'- the answer is: because you make me feel good => we can be sure that the love (that basterd) feels is EGOISTIC.
Instead if s/he manages to nominate a lot of characteristics of yours that make you unique in her/his eyes=> well you can be sure that the love (that darling)feels for you is real.
Hmm. It brings into my mind the folk tale about the king and his three daugthers..but more precisely.. the story of King Lear. Did Cornelia love her father less just because, instead of bragging about his fantastic nature ect ect, she tried to sum up her love for him in as few words as possible?
Should love be summed up? Isnt all love we feel egoistic? I mean what sort of love whould make you feel bad? Isnt the fact that your sheer presence may make another person feel good about him/herself enough to make one feel happy?
I would rather agree with Marquez (although maybe it wasnt even him from whom the following words stem) who once said:
"I don't love you for who you are,
I love you for who I become when i'm with you."
Returning to the beginning that is feeling love as not a 'reason' for being loved...
i don't know. i still think you have to be anyone great or fantastic or supersexy to be loved. you just simply have to exist...anyone who exists is given love.
Are you a sceptic? => Watch Björk...:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjAoBKagWQA
/Or as I have first read it: "Hogy szerelems vagy, az nem ok arra, hogy szeressenek"/
'But why do I love him/her then?'- is a simple question noone can avoid coming across if maintaining a friendship. Most people expect a simple (because s/he has given you all of this..or is a good person..ect) type of praises..in even worse cases they ecpect that me -as an outsider - out of sheer firnedhip will glorify someone:
a) i do not know well
b) i am clearly not in love with
c) probably see as a 'normal creature' with mistakes ect.
Now: Do we actually need a reason to love someone?
During my somewhat hectic studies (somewhere in-between family-therapy-feminism-and the application of the /in/famous Rorschach test) someone tried to convince me of the following:
If in a realtionship when one is asked 'Honey, why do you love me?'- the answer is: because you make me feel good => we can be sure that the love (that basterd) feels is EGOISTIC.
Instead if s/he manages to nominate a lot of characteristics of yours that make you unique in her/his eyes=> well you can be sure that the love (that darling)feels for you is real.
Hmm. It brings into my mind the folk tale about the king and his three daugthers..but more precisely.. the story of King Lear. Did Cornelia love her father less just because, instead of bragging about his fantastic nature ect ect, she tried to sum up her love for him in as few words as possible?
Should love be summed up? Isnt all love we feel egoistic? I mean what sort of love whould make you feel bad? Isnt the fact that your sheer presence may make another person feel good about him/herself enough to make one feel happy?
I would rather agree with Marquez (although maybe it wasnt even him from whom the following words stem) who once said:
"I don't love you for who you are,
I love you for who I become when i'm with you."
Returning to the beginning that is feeling love as not a 'reason' for being loved...
i don't know. i still think you have to be anyone great or fantastic or supersexy to be loved. you just simply have to exist...anyone who exists is given love.
Are you a sceptic? => Watch Björk...:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjAoBKagWQA
Mirror-Specchio-Tükör
"I am not more that a mirror
in which my reader may see his/her own thoughts with its deformities,
and based on the mirrored image
s/he may prepare the necessary corrections."
/Wittgeinstein: Culture and Value/
"Nem vagyok több, csupán tükör,
melyben olvasóm a saját gondolatait látja, deformitásaival együtt,
s e tükörkép alapján
meg tudja tenni a kellő kiigazításokat."
"Non sono più che un specchio
in cui mio lettore possa vedere i propri pensieri con il proprio deformità,
e basato su quel rilesso specchiato
possa preparare le correzzione necessarie."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Reader.
whoever you may be - at the moment imaginary, not more than a vibrating screen mirroring my own reflection on a cold September morning - on the pages following this you may read me: my mind, my thoughts...you may look into my head and use me to reflect.
Some of my thoughts you certainly find hectic, for i will not strive to write in a neat, clear style. Most of what you may find here will be written in English - my chosen 'mother tounge' - but some may be in Italian - my language of sentiments - or Hungarian - the only language even the devil respects for its complexity and wholeness.
in which my reader may see his/her own thoughts with its deformities,
and based on the mirrored image
s/he may prepare the necessary corrections."
/Wittgeinstein: Culture and Value/
"Nem vagyok több, csupán tükör,
melyben olvasóm a saját gondolatait látja, deformitásaival együtt,
s e tükörkép alapján
meg tudja tenni a kellő kiigazításokat."
"Non sono più che un specchio
in cui mio lettore possa vedere i propri pensieri con il proprio deformità,
e basato su quel rilesso specchiato
possa preparare le correzzione necessarie."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Reader.
whoever you may be - at the moment imaginary, not more than a vibrating screen mirroring my own reflection on a cold September morning - on the pages following this you may read me: my mind, my thoughts...you may look into my head and use me to reflect.
Some of my thoughts you certainly find hectic, for i will not strive to write in a neat, clear style. Most of what you may find here will be written in English - my chosen 'mother tounge' - but some may be in Italian - my language of sentiments - or Hungarian - the only language even the devil respects for its complexity and wholeness.
Enjoy. Reflect(privately, or publicly by adding a comment,-in any language - if you feel like). :-)
...............................................................................................................
...............................................................................................................
For better understanding: English-Italian online dictionary (reasonably good one):
http://www.wordreference.com/enit/storm
Hungarian-English(okay one):
http://www.wordreference.com/enit/storm
Hungarian-Italian (quite poor, but so far I have not found a better one online):
http://szotar.sztaki.hu/olasz-magyar
----.-------------.------------------.----------------.-----
Past blog (with emotional turmoils): http://farfalla.freeblog.hu/
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