numb

she has been feeling numb

the world has gone by

and she died without having said a word

without having lived.

i wont.

mist

...puha köd lepte el a világot lassú árnyként szállva alá

a sarokban egy pók mozgott lassan, félkész hálója

meg-megrogyott a cseppeksúlya alatt.

csönd volt. csak kint dübörgött minden

ő a gép előtt ült. s nézte csendesen

she stretched her arms not reaching

the part

where it had hurt

ha scesa e comprato birra

non si é mai sentita cosí silenziosa dentro

she awaited

for a sound or a tear

de csak a köd száll alá lassú árnyként...

a sarokban egy pók mozgott lassan, félkész hálója

meg-megrogyott a cseppeksúlya alatt.

csönd volt. csak kint dübörgött minden

ő a gép előtt ült. s nézte csendesen!

Serendipity

Serendipity is the effect by which one accidentally discovers something fortunate, especially while looking for something else entirely.

Getting home late with a splitting headache, not being able get hrough to the firend you were supposed to meet

and switching on the tv in the very moment a film called 'serendipiy'(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsjR5P3TuWY) begins - serendipity.

you were looking for something else

in fact, you have been looking for SOMETHING

if fact, almost anything

a sign a sidepost something, anything to tell you were on the right road

and the film is cute, proves to be a good enough painkiller for afew hours

and yes, the woman in it is as senseless as you are

and (surprise surprise) is psychiatrist

and you keep your eyes wide open

and you think about it all

last summer

or even earlier...

it must not have been an accident only

it has had to be more

it mad to start somewhere in '99, when your heart went out to that city

and you swore to return

and so five years later you were there

but it wasnt the right time yet

so something made him end up in your city

and then you were both in the same club

but other than the electric shock ..

it still wasnt time yet

but then

on a november morning you got buzzed

and you knew it was time

and you put on your best skirt and your green-ness

and

yes, it was him who opened the door

and

your umbrella forgotten

and so -just like in the film, what a cliché - you had to meet

and yet you thought it wasnt time

and so you struggled

and screwed up several times

both of you did, actually

and then

you just had to admit

that you'd end up together anyways

it was meant to be

and there is nothing to do about it

but unlike in the film

it doesnt stop there

and you know

that blaming ourselves

for past mistakes

is a burdain you drag along

for a long time still

except that now you dont want to any more

it has to stop

here and now

and it has o start to work.

one .. morning

sitting in fron of the screen with cold air caressing your bare feet and hot coffee

and a picture you smile when looking at does not always help to start the line

though, after the first letter (s) the others may seem to find their way out faster

what you harbour in your chest is the matter you need to somehow put out there

for looking at a picture that makes you smile only intensifies the feeling and so not

being able to share it (standing at the window shouting to the hotel receptionist

on smoke break would not be much of a share-experience) you need to figure out

a way to

ah, that's it. you seemed tohave figured out a whole lot of things. about you. about him.

and now it really really fits together in your brain.

and the word of 'athena' (see battlestar galactica) ring in your head:

you pick your side and stick to it.

well. you did pick a side. and though the odds were slightly against it working

you did manage to root out most of the nasty feelings and give space for trust and love

and a future (now that'd scare him, this big word, he would sush me up and order me

to enjoy the moment instead of heading off to this direction for there is no need, sieze the day

and so on) i have a future and we are in it together. and more importantly we have a present

and we are very very present in it.

and Buckman's words float in and i remember that i should: dream big, lift others and smile.

and i do:)

/click on the headline to watch video/

m-oods

she's been there but never done that

in her case it was never the ring

but her hands in his

and ugly words floating out of his mouth

and still now what ugly pain

making her almost unable to move

and an other hand

this time reliable reaching out for her

until at night in the blur of her drowsiness 

she forgets about it all

how strange the human psyche that in moments least expected

in burps up the weirdest pains fragments of memories long asleep

silenced but not dead coming to life to haunt and torture with glorious

and grotesque expressions on their faces

but you know what. i laughed at them the next day

and awoke without remorse and cleaned their bloody

remaining off the floor where i have slaughtered them.

you never in this bed

you never in this bed lay alone

you never in this bed experience the weight of the dark heavy on your chest

you never awake in this room alone

you never have to stay to hold the cieling feeling dizzy in the height of it all

you never have to expand so much that you alone would fill the space of two

or shrink so much in size that you could walk unnoticed between crowds of strangers 

everybody stares in the other way

and yet it is here

in this room

under this black and white weight

under these blinking stars that i weigh up it all

(alone).

we still dont...

it all stops for a second and she wipes her face (it is unclear whether it is tears or sweat or else that made it wet) and she stops too
she wants to stop thinking she thinks as she hears a sharp whistling noise and there she goes again
she is on that bloody roller-coaster throwing her up and down tossing her body she falls through somethings dark and thick it is unpleasent and sticks to her skin she is cowered with this darkish strangeness it has a sweet smell and a soft touch but umh, what is it doing on her covering

she feels invisible the machine stops she is on a peak, trebling, doesnt dare to move, she is bound to fall, god, she thinks, WHY did i get on at the first place - but wheeee, there is goes again her hair is flying, someone grabs her hand

she awakes in pain, a pain of her dream, looks around, her baby sleeps in the cradle, coffee is being made, she hears the noises from the kitchen, a city murmurs somewhere far off, she rests her eyes on the chest of the baby, and falls back asleep.