once

once your mind is made up all seems to work according to clear patterns and runs on and on and on smootly like a river taking long curves as it speeds down towards something bigger

she buried herself in the cellars trying to clean the mess
but since it was within and not without she felt almost lost
she tried to delete some files in that stubborn heart, tried to upload new images of
an other future, tried to run a 'calmness and hope' program, but the second one got loose and
somehow brought back the deleted files and put on a movie show inside her head which she could not switch off...unless she took a broom and a duster, set out to kill feelings by exhausting the body that contained them

after 10hours of work she fell trembling on the sofa at her veranda and put on 'once' hoping whatever was in the film she had to see will make her calm down...and it did...
as the minutes passed by and wine and music filled her tired bones she became aware of a warm, indifferent feeling of calmness and love.

she knew she loved and was loved. whom did she love and how and who was to love her back and make her stay by his side did not matter any more. after 3days the 'hope' program finally worked as expected and she got her pillow and fell asleep in her dark room.

she awoke with strange feelings and vivid fragments of dreams feeling like a fairy tale hero tossed around in the wilderness, yet dawn was still a long long way away...sometimes it is not the decision that is hard to make...at times, it is sticking to that decision when all the odds are against us...

(other than the song added to the title, there is 'falling slowly' and others that i cannot stop listening or crying over, or feeling happy, or singing along...-and i strangely have the feeling of having listened to these songs with G...one day back in time, but i guess it is just the stupid misfunctioning 'hope' program that reboots every morning and that takes time to switch off.)