numb

she has been feeling numb

the world has gone by

and she died without having said a word

without having lived.

i wont.

mist

...puha köd lepte el a világot lassú árnyként szállva alá

a sarokban egy pók mozgott lassan, félkész hálója

meg-megrogyott a cseppeksúlya alatt.

csönd volt. csak kint dübörgött minden

ő a gép előtt ült. s nézte csendesen

she stretched her arms not reaching

the part

where it had hurt

ha scesa e comprato birra

non si é mai sentita cosí silenziosa dentro

she awaited

for a sound or a tear

de csak a köd száll alá lassú árnyként...

a sarokban egy pók mozgott lassan, félkész hálója

meg-megrogyott a cseppeksúlya alatt.

csönd volt. csak kint dübörgött minden

ő a gép előtt ült. s nézte csendesen!

Serendipity

Serendipity is the effect by which one accidentally discovers something fortunate, especially while looking for something else entirely.

Getting home late with a splitting headache, not being able get hrough to the firend you were supposed to meet

and switching on the tv in the very moment a film called 'serendipiy'(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsjR5P3TuWY) begins - serendipity.

you were looking for something else

in fact, you have been looking for SOMETHING

if fact, almost anything

a sign a sidepost something, anything to tell you were on the right road

and the film is cute, proves to be a good enough painkiller for afew hours

and yes, the woman in it is as senseless as you are

and (surprise surprise) is psychiatrist

and you keep your eyes wide open

and you think about it all

last summer

or even earlier...

it must not have been an accident only

it has had to be more

it mad to start somewhere in '99, when your heart went out to that city

and you swore to return

and so five years later you were there

but it wasnt the right time yet

so something made him end up in your city

and then you were both in the same club

but other than the electric shock ..

it still wasnt time yet

but then

on a november morning you got buzzed

and you knew it was time

and you put on your best skirt and your green-ness

and

yes, it was him who opened the door

and

your umbrella forgotten

and so -just like in the film, what a cliché - you had to meet

and yet you thought it wasnt time

and so you struggled

and screwed up several times

both of you did, actually

and then

you just had to admit

that you'd end up together anyways

it was meant to be

and there is nothing to do about it

but unlike in the film

it doesnt stop there

and you know

that blaming ourselves

for past mistakes

is a burdain you drag along

for a long time still

except that now you dont want to any more

it has to stop

here and now

and it has o start to work.

one .. morning

sitting in fron of the screen with cold air caressing your bare feet and hot coffee

and a picture you smile when looking at does not always help to start the line

though, after the first letter (s) the others may seem to find their way out faster

what you harbour in your chest is the matter you need to somehow put out there

for looking at a picture that makes you smile only intensifies the feeling and so not

being able to share it (standing at the window shouting to the hotel receptionist

on smoke break would not be much of a share-experience) you need to figure out

a way to

ah, that's it. you seemed tohave figured out a whole lot of things. about you. about him.

and now it really really fits together in your brain.

and the word of 'athena' (see battlestar galactica) ring in your head:

you pick your side and stick to it.

well. you did pick a side. and though the odds were slightly against it working

you did manage to root out most of the nasty feelings and give space for trust and love

and a future (now that'd scare him, this big word, he would sush me up and order me

to enjoy the moment instead of heading off to this direction for there is no need, sieze the day

and so on) i have a future and we are in it together. and more importantly we have a present

and we are very very present in it.

and Buckman's words float in and i remember that i should: dream big, lift others and smile.

and i do:)

/click on the headline to watch video/

m-oods

she's been there but never done that

in her case it was never the ring

but her hands in his

and ugly words floating out of his mouth

and still now what ugly pain

making her almost unable to move

and an other hand

this time reliable reaching out for her

until at night in the blur of her drowsiness 

she forgets about it all

how strange the human psyche that in moments least expected

in burps up the weirdest pains fragments of memories long asleep

silenced but not dead coming to life to haunt and torture with glorious

and grotesque expressions on their faces

but you know what. i laughed at them the next day

and awoke without remorse and cleaned their bloody

remaining off the floor where i have slaughtered them.

you never in this bed

you never in this bed lay alone

you never in this bed experience the weight of the dark heavy on your chest

you never awake in this room alone

you never have to stay to hold the cieling feeling dizzy in the height of it all

you never have to expand so much that you alone would fill the space of two

or shrink so much in size that you could walk unnoticed between crowds of strangers 

everybody stares in the other way

and yet it is here

in this room

under this black and white weight

under these blinking stars that i weigh up it all

(alone).

we still dont...

it all stops for a second and she wipes her face (it is unclear whether it is tears or sweat or else that made it wet) and she stops too
she wants to stop thinking she thinks as she hears a sharp whistling noise and there she goes again
she is on that bloody roller-coaster throwing her up and down tossing her body she falls through somethings dark and thick it is unpleasent and sticks to her skin she is cowered with this darkish strangeness it has a sweet smell and a soft touch but umh, what is it doing on her covering

she feels invisible the machine stops she is on a peak, trebling, doesnt dare to move, she is bound to fall, god, she thinks, WHY did i get on at the first place - but wheeee, there is goes again her hair is flying, someone grabs her hand

she awakes in pain, a pain of her dream, looks around, her baby sleeps in the cradle, coffee is being made, she hears the noises from the kitchen, a city murmurs somewhere far off, she rests her eyes on the chest of the baby, and falls back asleep.

blue sun

her fingers had nails of happiness but no lines seemed to be flowing out of them any more
and the battery of the computer going off in 4 minutes didnt leave her much time
to come up with nice words
or dig down or up

what mattered was beside her, by her side or on her inside.

and outside, of course..the hotel light...and so on.
and love.:)

how is this?

It is february the 14th and i recieve an email from my parents in Laos writing that the 'looove-day' is advertised even there....while i recall an article about 'second-hand men' in which, im not joking men are discussed as any other good (creme, makeup, underwear ect) on the market of which we 'deserve' the best therefore we have to be aware that after a certain age men become used, and why would we want anything/one someone already threw out? How is this?

It is february the 14th and im sitting at university all day long when all of a sudden i notice that my favourite ring on my hand is broken..but the prof just keeps discussing relationships while my mind drifts off. How is this?

It is february the 14th but the news is full of neonazi groups parading here and there...and: while in Budapest the neonazi group greatly outnumbers the few brave contra-paraders, in Dresden the number of nazis and leftish pple on the street is 5000:8000. How is this?

Regardless the fact that it is the 14th of february my boyfriend had to buy new tickets starting from scratch since any modification of the original ticket would have cost more than buying new ones(and throwing out the old ones)..and all is in order to see each other. How is that?

Well, that actually is...:)

a new..

..a new dawn has come
with truffles and dry skin
a coldwave and the lack of gas
a new dawn that doesnt bring you down
(what a cheap rhyme, lets overuse-and-abuse them, oh, yeah)

she felt like creating again
climbing thru the barricades of her negative side
(how can my skin be so horribly dry?)
she felt for a scrub and started to clean her planet
k-pax, the inner galaxy
the one hidden from other psychos
(where psychos are psychologists of course
and lets not argue if the species of this profession
are simply weird, misfunctioning or sick -
it really doesn matter at all)
so there she was scrubbing her planet -M
(M=maternal) ready to leave for planet-L (L=love)
she cleaned all three of her volcanoes, watched 2387324576 sunsets
no worries about the rose, the rose would stay with her for sure
-after her visit to all those other planets and realizing it'd all be
empty without _that_rose -
of course, if the rose wasnt that stupid and had thought twice before chasing her away maybe she could have saved herself all this messy trip to the planets
and /but /well
life usually doesnt give us clear lines
but hey, second chances arent so many either,
so she had to admit that she is happy
even if wedging and grumpy and instable and moody
(but when, if not now? now she could afford it!)
happy. or content if you wish - and if you keep in mind that the two
are not exactly the same, yet look well hand-in-hand.

(such a useless cheesy piece of crap again - what happened? help! am i really this much in love?)

cheesy teen-years

last night my sister surprise-attacked me making me sit on her sofa and reading (nedlessly!) one-minute stories (presumably fragments of the best moments of certain days soaked in chocolat, vocered with colorful sugarbits - the ones my sis calls 'egérkaki')... and we were both laughing ourselves to death.

so much pink-cheesyness is really difficult not to laugh at, especially if the source (writer) is nothing else, but you.
and so you end up begging your torturer to stop reading, for you are ready to admit you are hopelessly positive - but she just goes on calling you a chickensoup-writer and reads on.

and well, i may not be in the mood to write much lately,
nor am i fantastically tlaented in writing pieces with great citations and a logical sream of thoughts (that are extremely difficult to follow if they go on and on an on and no matter how much you roll down it still keeps on going) but at least i know that 10 years from now i'll have sg to read with my sis and it will help to kill time rolling with laugher:)

screw adulthood, it's great to be a pink kid inside!