what if...

what if you ask a random guy a simple question and he seems to give you more than the answer

what if you take all that comes your way without giving second thoughts

what if you are a sexual worldmap and the further south you go the better chances of good sex are

what if entering a mosque makes you feel relaxed

what if you want to take care of but only for a while

what if you are not in the mood of decisions

what if you want freedom over love

what if you struggle coz of stupid 'teorema'-truth

what if you want to choose the wrong guy over the right one

what if firmness scares the hell out of you

what if things change for the better

what if they change for the worse

what if you'll cheat

what if cheating seems unimportant and sensless

what if hesitation kills you

what if you still think of people unworthy of it

what if they are not unworthy

what if the whole concept of unworthyness sucks

what about: stop worrying and go with the flow?

istanbul

the city where on the way from the airport to taksim square you make friends with people
the city where cultural shock sets in slowly
the city that never sleeps(nor do you sitting up till 2 at the hostel playing music with a group of persian/german pple, or listening to the lovesongs of F. from Uruguay...)
the city where crossing over boundaries is as normal as the absence of normal/sized supermarkets
the city where you bump into the perfect pple and measure your imperfectness
..
lets close this brief note with a satisfied smile.

istanbul is great, tomorrow im off to Cappadocia (i must) and will have about 10pple awaiting me in the city as i return ... to the place where cultures, continents, and pple meet.

vorrei

vorrei poterti dire 'lenolaj'

dirti che tradimento é sbagliato

ma a volte nn cambia nulla

nel senso che nn tocca l'amore sotto

distrugge peró

se ci pensi troppo

e se ti mette una paura di perdere l'altro/a

o se tradendo perdi te stessa

a volte perdi solo controllo

e poi é come se fossi in una trappola

e non sai come fuggiere

perché oramai qcuno ti ha messo

in funzione: 'hunting'

e sei come un predator che gira in cittá

cercando di succhiare sangue

vorrei poterti dire che nn ce la faccio di dimenticarti

che lo so che é da un mezz'anno che nn ti vedo

che so che nn mi ami o amavi

in tuo modo superidealizzato-romatico

e lo so che nn ti posso perdere perché nn ti ho mai avuto

o forse é tutto sbaglaito qui perché

io non volgio possederti nel senso che

non volgio limitarti

vorrei averti accanto

vorrei essere tua donna

non volgio piú stare da sola

e mi confondo

e sono arrabbiata

e c'é un istante in cui io sogno di

poter star bene con un altro

ma alla fine non ce la faccio

che sarebbe violazione

contro tutto

contro te

contro me

sbagliamo tutti

e io appena sbaglio

incomincio ad analizzarmi

e nn ce la faccio di capire

c'era una guerra

and i am defeated...

...istanbul,

o, ti prego ti portarmi sollievo...

harapós kutyák

harapós kutyákkal álmodom s hiába menekülök önmagam átugrova az a dög az a nemes fényes szőrű farkas már ott van mellettem s kezembe harap

félek, s bár nem érzem a harapás kínját, megdöbbentő nyugalommal élem át a pillanatot és kínlódó szemekkel hívok és remegő hanggal könyörgök az engem körülállóknak, hogy valaki, valaki feszítse már szét

igen, hogy azt ami megmaradt kiszabadítsam

de senki sem mozdul és én sem mozdulok

és tudom, hogy sebes a kezem vagy egy roncs

nem tudom mi milyen mértékig sérült és talán nem is akarom

nem számít, már nem fáj, ez nem

megtörtént, így van, utolért, felugrott és itt van, keme a szájában pihen és ő sem megy sehova

és senki sem tesz hirtelen mozdulatot

mintha megfagyott volna minden

pedig nem, érzem szája forróságát, érzem, ahogy eremiben pulzál a vér,

érzem a sebemet lágyan áztató nyálat

és érzem ahogy egy ütemre lélegzünk

a kutya és én

és már nem tudom, hogy ha felébredek

és a hűvös erkélyen hideg kávét szürcsölök

segít-e, ha úgy teszek, mintha álom lett volna csupán

vagy kötést kell cserélnem

vagy várost

vagy ...

taboos and bounderies

look no further-says the song

and still, when she awakes

with a hand in her hand

she thinks she should look further

(consequences ect ect)

after all, what is there in peeping behind bounderies,

in toying with the idea of destroying taboos

...

the hand is there at a close distance

(she is sure of it, the outline of that hand

becomes visible every time she slightly opens

her eyes -or is it when she slightly closes it?)

...

sometimes the boundary between reality and imagination is so slight

it is almost inexistent

she breaths in and out with a slow pace

and drifts of back and forwards in time

looking for that hand

identifying it

trying to give meaning

/at times, it is best to take things as they are.

instead of turning them into a source of painful desire

don't overanalyze - this post is obscure on purpose and

is a dead end to thoughts, obscure and dead as

some taboos are that you fail to keep,

like not touching the beautiful bottom of a stranger/

music

strange when a melodie you think too cheesy or bad or annoying gets stuck in your head so much so that you find yourself sitting in front of your computer mesmerized by the random images projected on the screen as a part of an (un)official music video and as soon as it's over you find yourself pushing the repeat button as if listening to the same song over and over again was any help in getting it out of your head.

and you catch a strange through floating through your mind and spend minutes wondering if the scene described above has any resemblance whatsoever with kid's tendency to ask for the same fairy tales over and voer again for it helps them face some hidden thing in their little souls

i dont know what is in mine. i enjoy the heat and feel very balanced in this heat - yet i awake every morning with a memory of a fragment of a dream about some man once important to me, i find it increadibly bad having to climb out of bed coz i would feel prefectly happy cuddling my pillows for hours feeling a love that is so overwhelming i almost cannot bear it any longer
and still, every afternoon a strange headache sets in and a sudden restlessness
and explaning this and dirty thoughts is impossible using moody wheather as a standpoint.

once again i feel like Veronika in the film about her double life...as if something happening elsewhere had astrange effect on me, as if i was in love with womeone i do not know yet

this unbalanced balance seems to be extremly fragile
and i do not know in what moment am i going to
start breaking glass

i have love to give
and noone would take it