Out - and back in - touch

A sudden decision of breaking a frozen silence
of changing the course of a relationship
(senza vergogna ma con un po di inquietudine)
after five years (so long, really??) i take the train (from Keleti, i smile as memories flash back) and after a three hour trainride i find myself in the city of Pécs.

an icy cold wind cuts through layers and layers of clothes
(it had been a smart decision to take the long coat-
but how could i possibly forget the hat again...
just like in Vienna my ears freazing off as i do my compulsary
sightseeing, but this time there is noone to tuck me under his arm to warm me up
doesnt matter- for a change, im kinda better off alone)

and there she is, my long-lost-friend
just like before
her hair shorter but her smile radiates
and some hours later i find myself back at our high level of intimacy.
she puts on my makeup and we giggle as we share a bottle of wine
i dose off only to wake up as she put on 'our' party music:)
everything is back in motion
my limbs revitalize as if by some miracle someone somehow had spread some
energy within me

changing bedshhets at four in the morining seems to be the most normal thing
as getting undressed or peeing in each others company.

some friendships are made in heaven
and now i know that even when we have to get on the road
to find ourselves
we know where (to whom) we belong
we just forget...
im glad that now i remember:)

compagnia

una mattina silenziosa
segreti nascosti fra pagine di libri
un amore mai vissuto con l'intensitá vera
promessi mai fatti e sbagliati
la volgia di aprire e distruggere
la voglia di essere preso
di cadere con la testa girata
di amare
anzi, di essere amata
di vivere una vita senza bugie
con la capacitá di fidarsi
idee sbagliate mi girano la testa
mio corpo caldo e sudato sotto la doccia
una foresta attraversata
correndo con un cane di color nocciola
una creatura che mi segue e sembra di aver scelto la mia compagnia
quando mai sceglieró un uomo chi sceglie me
chi crederá che io sono l'altra meta
vorrei crescere ali e volare via
indietro o avanti
ma devo stare nel momento
e con un sorriso sottile sulle labbre
mi tiro fuori dalla melancholia
indosso mia giacca rossa
apró la porta
e c'é il sole.

vízválasztó.

sunshine as i open my eyes awaking from the most beautiful dream i have had in the past two years
i dig my head deeper in the bed covering my face with the couchine
my face hot, my heart beating as i remember that dream.

maybe said to be stupid but by the time i climb out of under the sheets
and wash the smell of cigarettes never smoked out of my hair,
spreat cream over my body
i become another person

a new me, with less worries, and less analyzing.
relationships when you start to analyze them suck anyways.
you have to live them and enjoy them.

also yound a cool website with a lot of quotes of different psychologists.
i decide to read it a bit every day to enhance new thoughts

Today it is Albert Ellis. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Albert_Ellis
Ellis, who says that:

• People don't just get upset. They contribute to their upsetness.
• Self-esteem is the greatest sickness known to man or woman because it's conditional.
• There's no evidence whatsoever that men are more rational than women. Both sexes seem to be equally irrational.
• There are three musts that hold us back: I must do well. You must treat me well. And the world must be easy.
• People got insights into what was bothering them, but they hardly did a damn thing to change.
• The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.

The first three of which seem to be so true i have to smile. The fourth represents a great challenge in my life (of being an overachiever) - i must treat myself better even if at times i screw things up:) - this of course is connected to the next point...where i could add i should try not to change things so much or at least give time to changes, otherwise i end up at the 'i must do well' and it only contributes to me being upset.

living that feeling i have had in my dream is sort of like my own destiny:)

why should i go against it by overworrying myself?

spinning

Below a long-long monologue of a long logn day,
i know-totally boring
but i felt like filling a blank page
there it is out. i dont want to think in circles
(though i dont think it is an illness, it really doesnt make me feel any better)
so, dear reader, if you ever get to the end of the message and have any thought to add, you are welcomed. if you ever get to the middle and get bored, thanks for having read anyway. :)


long day.
thoughts entering and leaving my head
a body weary of too much dancing and five hours of sleep and the constant struggle to keep some food down
yesterday - almost unable to stand up and go home from work, as if my arms and legs were lifeless, not belonging to me (to who else then?) i forced myself to sit on the bus and go downtown to see friends (promised, promises are sacred, we keep them!)
the best decision ever.
for five hours no thoughts of me being mentally sick,
no thoughts of mistakes, sex, illusions, feelings
just two eyes watching a new face with the hugest smile ever,
a wave of positive feeling wrapping me up as my body sets into motion,
my feet moving under me (little alcohol, promise made to myself not to get drunk in the next few months) and it all works. the mind is silent. the heart begs for five minutes of break.
i dont even look around for men (what for, i have three sexy chicks to have fun with:)
yet i end uo dancing around with one (a friend of friends...) and he looks into my eyes as i step back to avoid a kiss i dont want (yesss!!!in control again!!!:)
i go to the bathroom (the same bathroom where i have almost fainted in realizing at a spagettata that his face had the smell of another female on it. how sure i was then! and how decieved! - anyways: past, gone, has to be forgotten),
so i enter the bathroom and i happen to overhear the most vulgar and disgusting of female-conversations ever: on how to humiliate 'an ugly' guy who kindly tries to get at someone. (bitches. - i think and look in the mirror to examine my face: nah. he is wrong, im not like them.)pale, but satistied i exit and enter the crowd outside.
on the way home at half past three i decide to eat a gyros, but standing at the busttop stuffing the food into my mouth i notice a terrifying thing: im shivering while eating. i dont understand. it is not that cold, and i dont even feel cold. i stop eating. the shivering stops. as soon as i put a bit of food in my mouth i restarts. i spend three minutes trying to understand what's going on and finally i locate the source: my stomach. it is as if some sort of a football or rugby world champinship was taking place inside. i note that i have to force eating. i cannot afford to lose more weight. (would be the stupidest thing to end up in hospital just because a man called me names.)
i re-enter. the house is asleep. i take a quick shower, jump into my nightdress, put on the alarm for the morning and fall asleep. safe night. no dreams, five hours later i awake and feel fit, get up...and there it is: my stomach.
i crawl between the covers, switch on the tv to wathc the morning-series, and send down some food only to spend the rest of the morning running in-and-out of the bathroom.

then something changes: and suddenly, in the course of half an hour i have two job-interviews organised.
objectives, focus, wash your hair, dress decent and so on.

then work. kids. hugs. kisses. everybody loving Freddy - and life goes on.

just as Ammaniti writes in the book im reading (ti prendo e ti porto via) -
'la cosa, si disse, sarebbe passata perché nella vita le cose passano sempre, come un fiume. anche le piú difficili che ti sembra impossibile superare, e in un attimo te le trovi dietro alle spalle e devi andare avanti. ti aspettano cose nuove.'
(=all things pass as the woter of a river running towards the ocean.even the shittiest things, the ones you thought you'd not overcome, you find behind you all of a sudden and you have to keep on going ahead. there are new things awaiting you.)

and so i try to feel happy for possibly-maybe jobs, the family dinner planned for tonight, ect.
standing on the scale mobile (shit, how do you say that in english?) i re-think and decide i wont forgive easy this time. noone has tha right to call me a bitch because i have slept with a man a month (or god knows) after it was 'said' to be over between us (keep in mind it was never 'said' that it ever started or lasted.... - ehi. a relationship with no beginning or contect, just an end.sound interesting enough). he was angry and other things okay, pushed deep in a mass of emotions, okay. but he should have known he has no right to say certain things.

and he does. arriving home i find two lines in my mailbox: sorry (short.honest.)
i switch the computer off, back on, read it, reread it, memorize it, forget it
think about whther i should answer. or what to answer. should i tell him things i think would make him understand how wrong he was in thinking i just went off with a total stanger? no. yes. no. yes. dunno.
should i call a friend and ask what she'd do? no. no. yes. maybe. nonono. i have to do this alone.
for once, after so many years i am extremely angry. and therefore my reactions are honest. maybe not right but honest.

so i keep silent.
i dont write anything.
and though it takes me two hours of sufference to keep the food down
i decide even not to care about that.
in the worst case i lose some weigth. if it ever goes under 52 i go to the doctor. this time i wont make an arse of my mouth.
i dont have to beg him for forgiveness.

if he chooses to think im a slut, let it be.
i know i am not.
maybe it wasnt wise to sleep with that guy i didnt love.
but it doesnt make me a bad person.

i have been faithful to him while officially being only 'his hungarian' (slut added by him later).
and right now i have no wish to keep struggling.

it will pass.
he there, me here
(next time we meet maybe only some empty hello, and we walk by)
his loss is bigger
im onyl haunted by his smell stuck in my norstrils.

dark

just wonderingthat if i saw it,
and knew it,
if i wrote only two days ago
that it is something i shouldnt do
something that would hurt me

why did i?

maybe yes,
maybe i have some sort of a mental disorder
that manifests itself every time
something hurts me so
that i pretend it didnt

and then i cross lines
and in a sense commit suicide

only to realize
thatwhat i do is wrong
and that i have always known it is
...therefore it wouldnt have needed testing

or destroying what was left of a love.

fel-oldódás

red phase.
a movie you watch with three male friends, resting your tired head on a shoulder unknown to you and not-belonging. a film about italian men and hungarian women, about dreams and realities. a film not your choice.
big cheers for the creators, actors...Franco Nero who is not present but in our minds
big discussions standing in a smoky room built for the occasion
- pointing out filmmakers, producers, acters and actresses - beer sinks in your veins and you set in motion creating witty word-jokes touching the untoughable surface of males, feeling the power of the predator, the lady in red, the very sexual part of myself.

sex, that sweet curse, that which you blame for big losses
your overwhelming sexuality
your need to be controlled
but almost total inability to give in or over
power
strenght
a figth for joy and pain
sex, that sweet feeling of dissolving in the arms of a powerful man
losing control
disappearing like sugar dipped in caffé
boundaries disappearing and finally entering a soul
and screaming with joy
bodies fighting for-or-against each other:
unity.

i think back and forward, wondering if i am a sexual predator
a woman who engulfs her prey in the act of love
a woman who becomes lost at sea
yet sets out to sail
a woman who fears losing control
yet yearns nothing more than the presence of a man strong enough to win over her

cheating is only possible if you fuck without your heart
but in that case the joy is lost
and all is left is some pounds of flesh hungry for a touch
an abandoned heart beating in your chest
and all becomes meaningless
an act of violence against yourself
in my case.
i wonder whether i envy or pity those without a heart
those whores(fe/male) who have sex
but dont remember love.

intellectual fun

sarah silverman, america's top-showman's girlfriend
has become my favuorite source
of intellectual fun...

criticizing santa's personal click in:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40qTXlNJj9s&feature=related

smoothly finishing a loving relationship in:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UGh44JvqIM&feature=related

plus she has fantastic judgement about smells and how you know who si THE ONE:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQ0Q04Azk0M&feature=related

ehm. really. i wish i could be as crazy and as outspoken an she is.
but 'im only a f***ing genious when in comes to languages'...hihi