did anything?

ever hurt you so much you had to sit down all of a sudden to bear the pain?

did anything ever hurt you so much
you felt like yelling in pain as loud as you could?

did anything ever hurt you so much
you did not manage to hold the weight of your own body?

did anything ever hurt you so much
you wriggled an moaned between the arms of the first person who was ready to hold you
regardless who it was?

did anything ever hurt you so much
you've found yourself mumbling words unconsciously that spoke about the depth of your
fears and those of your heart?

did anything ever ?

what was worse? the pain or the fear?
i cant fight against pain. it is there to let me know that something that is happening is bad for me
pain is protection.
those who dont feel pain are not afraid of being hurt and die easier.
should i fight against fear?
like
for example note what is the 'worst thing that can happen' and make it happen?
being afraid of losing someone doent make me lose him
cutting all contact does.
and then, instead of the constant fears
i just have to learn to live with the pain
but at least that is functional...

or is it all mistaken?

am i mistaken?

is it possible that it is not the fear that matters?
is it the pain? the pain of being let down, cheated on, lied to?
or the pain of having mistaken a bad man for a good one?
or the pain of being left alone?
or the pain of seeing the other one in a mess and not being able to help?

why do i feel i have to give all,save, help?
what for if the other one doesnt want help and feels 'fine' in this f***d-up situation?

why was breaking up so simple 5years ago?
why is it so difficult now?

let go of my hand.
i will stumble, and i will fall.... - but will survive.

i am not E. i am stronger.
am i afraid of finishing like her?
can anything hurt so much that you take your own life?
WHYYY?
why am i still angry at myself if it wasnt my fault?
why am i angry at her?

do you (my angel) know HOW MUCH DOES IT HURT to lose all contact with someone you loved so much?????
..........

she closed her eyes and let her head drop between the pillows.
she drifted back off to the world of restless dreams
and events tossed her around
and she had no hand to hold.

everyone needs 'solid grounding'....