it's friday night and a Santa-party with pple unknown to you
you feel tired and uneasy having to dress up unsure about the dress-code
you put on the balck-and-red (Standhal) dress with the funny belt
a little make-up (uffa, the hairdresser shldnt wait for long now)
and you step in
irritated by the english spoken inside (wasnt it supposed to be a Hun.party for a change?)
you find yourself sitting at a corner drinking your rose speaking ...
when all of a sudden you realize you dont belong
you speak english with a beautiful accent (Aussie-American-British-god-knows), Italian with a passable accent(clearly Hun.) and Hungarian with an accent...of a foreigner.
you get asked where are you from?
and you feel torn when answering Hungary.
you dont feel like facing the 'wow, really'...
you dont want to feel like an outsider any more.
you realize you are like the white girl grown up among the indians.
you never belong anywhere..you are always somewhere in between.
of course, this in between is always a place-defined-by-others.
When abroad you are the Hungarian who speaks fantastic '...whatever..'
- you can get to know and make friends, all there.
When at home and among foreigners you are the local who speaks....you know..
- you can mix with, have fun, feel multiculti.
When in love with a foreigner you are the girl from Eastern Europe who...
- is different.
at times
i dont like to be different.
3 comments:
Perhaps this is not to be different, perhaps you settle the surface.
perhaps.but right now it seems unlikely.indeed, i go too deep too often..for the pure joy of discovering.
but perhaps yo are right that it is not about being different.maybe it is about having negative or ambiguous feelings => and then ending up focusing on the differences.
strangely as i type this...my mind is travelling in space and time and a small town called Stadt dirfts back to me (or i drift back to it) and i restart my wondering about differences....
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