ex-planations

Yesterday i've spent the day screaming. inside. so unnerved i almost didnt do anything wasting my energies in trying to find out calm down wanting to scream at the top of my lungs and cry and ask for help.
silence is unbearable sometimes.

this autumn is difficult.
the reason dear reader is more than simple: the cold makes my heart remember.

and so i find myself running down to Nyugati to watch a Danish film (Prag - from ole C. Madsen) and as I get off the tram and walk up to Toldi(name of the movie) it suddenly dawn on me:
i want to go and have a tea with Eszter.
i slow my steps, close my eyes, not knowing whether to cry or laugh and i remeber:

buying a yellow rose to make her day
sipping warm tea learning about her past and present
eating a surprise-dinner after a long day
sitting on a bed talking about my broken hopes
leaving a party to scold and wipe her tear when her hopes are gone
strolling in shoppingcentre not knowing how to confort her
talking on the phone telling her i love her
throwing the phone on my bed with anger and pain when hearing the indifference in her voice
fear washing over my body when the phone goes dead
standing in front of a door
praying for her not to be in there

and i want to go back in time. ..and drink tea with her.
and i cant.

i like the film, and i like drinking wine and chatting with friends afterwards.
and falling to bed right after hugging my sister.

but i dream dreams of the past. of a man who has failed me.
and i wake feelin suffocated.
and i yearn to be loved.

and i hope to learn to forgive:
her - who did not understand my love
him - who did not know what love was

but most of all: to myself.