Poems-time-and-parallels

I've become impossible again:
sleepless, irritable, perverse.
One day
I work
as if beating a wild beast, as if cursing all that's holy,
and the next day
lie on my back from morning to night,
a lazy song on my lips like an unlit cigarette.
And it drives me crazy,
the hatred
and pity I feel for myself. . .

I've become impossible again:
sleepless, irritable, perverse.
Again, as always,
I'm wrong.
I have no cause and couldn't possibly.
What I'm doing is shameful,
a disgrace.
But I can't help it:
I'm jealous of you,
forgive me. . .

/Nazim Hikmet:8 October 1945/

Strangely it has been towards the beginning of May
that i have felt these lines described me best.
Sleepless, irritable...-and wrong.

Why strangely? well..strangely for there is a slight parallel in
that and this situation.
Then: it was about closing the door behind me and realizing i had a heart that wanted to be alive.
Now: it is about stearting a new sort of life and realizing i have a heart that wanted to be alive.
Then: it was about putting a fullstop at suffering over past.
Now: it is about putting brackets around questionmarks.

But since im not sure what weight can questionmarks hold i cannot tell how long will they hide me away from certain incertainties.

........

and as many times before i find myself mumbling words without an end and putting them down on a piece of paper i realize i am running away from an endless feeling, im running away like this:


Bontott vitorlákkal,csendesen
gondolattalan s mégse hűvösen
fordulok el
Tőled,
vagy csupán Attól,amit Kép-viseltél:
a Vég-telent.



Since most of it is my mind's trick to twist feelings into shapes of poems i am not sure whether a correct translation will ever form in my mind..but i shall try to explain it as:


With sails undone, quietly
thought-less but not coolly
do i turn away
from You,
or merely from That, what you Re-presented:
the unEnding.


All-right. Words seem to have found there places ...yet i would daresay,

Kép-viseltél doesnt really equal Re-presented (because képvisel=represent, but kép=image, visel=bear, wear => képvisel= the image that you bore/wore)
whereas Vég-telent is almost prefectly be mirrored by unEnding (as sinonym for Infinite) for végetelen=infinite, but vég=the end, il fine and -telen= negative affixe meaning 'without'