instropection

Music: http://www.fabchannel.com/ => as writing lines legible below im listening to a concert of the FRAMES (right now to "rise")..music chosen by pure accident...yet it is nice.

smooth. clam day. my eyes feel tired and my soul wants to rest. i have my future ahead of me like an open road.enless , wide, monotonous. a road i have to take alone. something has come to a halt. i do not strive any more to connect. i cannot seem to make it.

instead i turn inwards and stare into my endless void.

i remember Eszter and i wonder what did she mean to me a year ago. i remember many little details. the way she turnes around to take the first step towards me. her hesitation whther to tell me that she is getting divorced and lives with a man twice her age. i remember her tiny finger(her hands exactly the size of mine)slightly trembling as she was puffed little clouds of smoke in the cool october air. i remember her miniskerts and high-heel boots, her girlish elegance hiding her unsecurity. i wonder if i could have done womething in a different way. i wonder about accidents. i wonder what would i be like if she had not died.

sometimes it feels as if she did not exist at all. as if she was only a beautiful(round)character of my daydreams. i wonder if she was me or herself. i feel lost that noone who know me knew her. as if she was only a secret friend. sometimes i even if she had not come to touch my soul.

i wonder why is it that her name is the same as my sister's. i wonder what did the few who knew us mean by saying: you are so much alike.it is almost you were the same person.

today is Jom Kippur and i try to forgive all the pain i have had to suffer due to careless human behavior. today is sunny and im listening to this song: 'falling slowly'. and i wonder why is it that i have many friends all of whom love and accept me but all of whom think my emotions are too big and too complicated. i wonder if i can hide black for long. i wonder if i can find one to whom i can tell ugly things. i though maybe i would buy a big canvas and paint death so that i could look her in the face...i wonder if it would help.

yes. i am too introspective maybe. but at times like this(home, alone, surrounded by waves of music, patches of sunshine tickling my feet) i cannot but look inside...in order to be able to turn towards others(and connect) when out there...